22.10.2009
A small update
So, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Some of it is good and some of it is bad, but it has all changed me, and changed me for the better, in my belief.
Things are not easy, they've never been easy and I never really expected that they would get that much easier, but I was wrong, things are getting better. There is still a lot of bad stuff in my life, but I am growing, I have grown. I feel stronger now.
The last few months have been extremely hard. The worst point was back in May, when I was raped. It's a hard thing to say and for a while I couldn't face it, but those are the simple facts that I DO have to face. At the time, it broke me and it could have been the end, but I have grown stronger in these past few years and I didn't give in to the pain. Instead, I denied it. I know now that it's not the right way to do things. I hid, from all of my friends, from my family, from my colleages and I didn't speak to them. It took me a month to talk about it and by then people were questioning me about why I had drawn away so much. Thinking I was denying the pain I had withdrawn into myself and instead let it take over. I didn't tell anyone for a whole month, but people could see I was afraid, afraid to go out, to talk to people. I was a wreck. I eventually broke down to Emily and told her everything, then Dawn and eventually, David.
It almost killed me and if it had happened to me two years ago I would have just given up completely. Now I am stronger than ever.
As they say, every cloud has a silver lining and after my experience, I have fully surrendered to God. One of the worst experiences of my life brought out one of the truest parts of it. I have accepted that He is fully in control.
Still, there are some things I wish I could change. Telling David, for example. It was a mistake. He fell to pieces, he didn't handle it well. In all of this, the last thing I wanted was to cause him pain. Emily and Loly made me see that he should never have had to carry my burden.
Now, we are both ok.
Loly and I are no longer friends, either. I don't know if we ever really were, but I would have made an effort for David's sake, because David was/is one of the most important people in my life and I would do anything if he asked, which is why I did, what I did. What I did was cruel to Loly, sinful and wrong. I lied to her. I lied to her in aid of a friend, I lied because David asked me too. It was a lie of omission, but still very much a lie.
I knew, long ago, that Dawn and David had slept together and I never told her. I kept it from her. I gave David a chance. I told him that I would tell her, but he promised to stay away from Dawn, so I didn't. He kept to his promise, he cut off contact with Dawn. I just didn't know that he had someone else too. Her name is Sarah, and he slept with her. I didn't even know. When it came out, the light quickly focused onto me, being an extremely close friend of David's, I was the next accused, only this time there was a 'witness', named Ryan, who saw us together. Now don't get me wrong, but I've never heard of a witness who could witness something that didn't actually happen, because you can't see what isn't there. I can tell you right now, this second, that nothing happened between me and David, so how he saw it, I don't know. he told Loly and she accused me, but not to my face, she accused me through Emily, at exactly the same time as she was talking nicely to me. I had to find out what Loly thought of me from Emily. After I confronted Loly over it and she finally believed me, but she soon moved onto Dawn. And she was right and she knew it, too and so she cut me off for knowing it, as well. I gave David a chance, so she told me she disn't to be in contact again.
It's fair enough, I lied to her, I can understand the reasons she no longer wishes to speak to me. What I don't understand, however, is her other actions. Hypocritcal, senseless actions. Like banishing me from her friendship because of lying to her, yet keeping Ryan as a close friend. Who, out of the two of us, lied for their own gain? I'll give you a clue, it wasn't me. I gave a friend a chance. Ryan, did it to stir up trouble and because he has the hots for Loly and yet who is the one sent away? Me. Hypocritical, no? Talk about double standards.
Emily is also banished, after she finally admitted to Loly that she, too, knew about David. I carried it on my back on my own for weeks, while Loly talked behind my back about me and then Emily finally admitted it.
I was so thankful for Em, that day.
Loly has been so awful to so many people, but David the most. Yes, he betrayed her, he cheated on her, but he is turning to his church for help and doesn't need her digs and cruel comments and posts. They only make her feel better about herself, it's wrong and cruel to toy with emotions so nastily.
Loly, if you're reading this, you have to cut it out. I'm praying for you.
David isn't handling anything so well, anymore. He's backed away from a lot of people and has asked me to keep our friendship light; I cannot depend on him any longer and likewise, he cannot depend on me.
Regardless, I will be here for him my whole life, when he needs me.
There ARE some really great things in my life too. College, for one. It's hard, but I love it. It gives me something to wake up for, something to look forward to, it gives me something other than work. Work is also going well, I've started a job on a new department and I love it, I'm getting a load more hours given to me and I'm actually enjoying it.
My Mum has moved out, too. She hasn't gone far, perhaps half an hour walk and she lives between my brother and sister. She has an adorable apartment with a balcony and it's just a perfect size. I truly love it. Living at home with just my Dad is really hard, but I am coping and I am so proud of mum, she has been so brave.
One day I will have my own life too.
But until then, I think it's time to sleep.
So, with thanks,
goodnight
octoberbloom at 1:55 a.m.